This title should be longer. It’s the friend who is (surely) scared who says something mean and sarcastic and then later comes back and apologizes for it even though she doesn’t have to.
This is so much bigger than a few paragraphs, but here’s the story, with many important details left out to help maintain privacy and so this doesn’t take me forever to write.
A friend of mine found out she has cancer. Our friendship had been on the rocks for a while and then, one day, this friend and I agreed we should break off contact. Shortly afterwards, she got the diagnosis and then, one or two weeks later informed me about the diagnosis in a short, sarcastic note, leaving me hanging without telling me much of anything or inviting me to call.
I was besides myself with worry. I could hardly sleep and was unable to think of anything else for two days. Initially, I kept my concern to myself but decided to tell her how it made me feel just so she’d know. When the person you’ve hurt is at email remove, it’s easy to mistakenly think you and your words don’t matter or that the other person doesn’t care or isn’t concerned. Basically, you can be in the dark about the effect you have on others. Also, as the one who was hurt, I was stuck holding the bag, as it were. I was wounded and she could carry on, like a hit-and-run driver hitting a cyclist. I felt it was right for her to know she hit someone. So I told her in an email.
A few days later, she wrote me a note saying she was going to call to apologize and gave me a time when she planned to call. I found myself looking forward to the call and thought about what I’d say. I had long ago forgiven her, assuming she was scared and hurt when she lashed out at me, which, though unpleasant, is an understandable reaction. When the call came, I wasn’t entirely prepared for what she was going to say, even though I already knew, generally, the format of her most serious apologies. I don’t know if I’d ever received an “official” apology from her before, but she had definitely told me how she’s apologized sometimes to other people. In effect, she simply admitted that she spoke hurtful words, said she was sorry and asked if there was anything she could do to make up for it.
It’s quite an amazing experience to receive an earnest apology from someone. I’ve received very few in my life. It had a big impact on me, in terms of it making me feel valuable and valued. I imagine it may have had a significant impact on her too.
It’s something maybe we should do more in our lives: apologize to people we’ve hurt, whether unintentionally or intentionally. Think about it. Do you realize how difficult it must be to call someone you don’t want to talk to and apologize to them? And what a dramatic difference that could make in our lives? I do think it’s worth doing the hard stuff, by the way.
I told her that her courage and tenacity were inspiring, thanked her for that inspiration, and said I had already completely forgiven her. Now, after her call though, I realize I had only partly forgiven her. I felt I understood why she’d say something sarcastic and mean to me, but I didn’t really feel forgiveness and a lack of anger the way I do now. Wow. This stuff really works.
Evidence of a friendly universe: the sincere apology.
Q